10/19: The Blackcoat's Daughter

 

10/19

Today's horror film was Oz Perkins' (son of Norman Bates himself, Anthony Perkins) The Blackcoat's Daughter. Ok, allow me to temper my rage for a moment before starting my review... whew... go to your happy place... 

Yeah, didn't work. 

Guys... I really, really hated this movie. But, I'll try to do my best to shove my raw hatred down enough to give you an honest review. The Blackcoat's Daughter is yet another satanic foray (I'm getting a bit sick of those this year) wherein two girls find themselves in an unfortunate situation: their families are late in picking them up from boarding school before a break, so they're stuck generally alone in the dorms together. Oh, and one of them got randomly possessed by the devil. Shucks, hate it when that happens. This is all juxtaposed with another girl in a seemingly unrelated storyline who is picked up by the a kindly couple when they find her wandering in the cold. Shocker, though: it IS related! Whoa.

Ok, where to start here... first of all, I don't know what the substantial number of people I saw give this movie a stellar review are smoking. The Blackcoat's Daughter is pretentious bullshit. There, I said it. It just is. You can put whatever arthouse trappings and buzzy festival accolades you want around it but I don't care. It's still pretentious bullshit. 

There are slow burns in this world and then there are interminable burns. I love me a good slow burn, but The Blackcoat's Daughter is the latter: interminable to a fault. I never fall asleep in movies and I nodded off several times. Then there's the characters; I know literally nothing about them. One worships the devil, broods a bunch because that's what's in vogue in horror nowadays, and is blonde. The second has black hair, is knocked up, and broods because that's what's in vogue in horror movies nowadays. The last kinda looks like the first but not really and broods because that's what's in vogue in horror nowadays. That's it. 

Which brings me to the movie's greatest sin and the aspect of the film that even now makes my skin prickle with anger: the cheap, lazy, annoyingly pretentious twist. Spoiler alert: girl number three is actually girl number one but 9 years later, released from an insane asylum after the killing spree spurned on by her devilish partnership. This twist is bullshit, I'll say it again, and here's why: you can't just hide your twist by switching out an actress. "But Sean, it's 9 years later, she grew up." No, no. Dont make excuses for just how lazy this twist is. No one changes that much in 9 years. Bone structure doesn't change. Your face doesn't radically alter. What this is is a twist that Perkins wanted and couldn't figure out how to pull off without giving it away so he went with the world's most pisspoor switcheroo: just change the actors. This is willingly and inorganically misleading your audience and it's purely inept filmmaking. You can't just throw a bunch of atmosphere on top and expect me to accept it. 

This is Oz Perkins' directorial debut, and boy, does it show. Perkins can create a good visual, some atmosphere, and a healthy bit of dread, but I'll just say it: the rest is pretentious, unrefined garbage and I truly struggle to see what people found here to love. 

3/10